I’m a (Game) Completionist and it’s Ruining My Life

Not really. 

This isn’t a Dr.Phil-esque confession post about my struggles with a terrible game addiction that’s tearing my family and relationship apart, leaving my children starving in a run down trailer with roaches eating all the stale Cheez-it crumbs that compose the entirety of our month’s rations.

It’s more-so me bitching about something that’s totally within my control of changing but I’m not going to because I’m extremely stubborn and I hate myself.

I like to collect achievements.

Unfortunately, I’m a PC gamer and primarily use Steam as my host platform for all my games.  Steam games have an absolute fuckload of achievements you can get.  Which is great!  But what’s not great is that the achievements are literally fucking meaningless.

 

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My Steam Profile

On Steam, your account has a level.  That’s a feature that is dangerously enticing to someone like me.  I have my profile set up to prioritize displaying my achievements over everything else, mostly for my own reference.  It helps me know what games I need to work on and reminds me what an absolute degenerate I am.  But here’s the problem. Those achievements aren’t what makes my level.

 

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What ACTUALLY determines your account level…

Your account level is determined based off the EXP rewards from any badges you might have.  And how do you get badges?  Collecting trading cards from games and combining them.  You can only get about half a set of cards for any given game you own for free.  The rest of them you have to buy or trade for.  Sure, they’re only a few cents, but still.  It’s the idea of it all that pisses me off.  The nerve.

Yet, I collect achievements anyway.  I have this obsession with 100% completing every game that I own or free-add to my Steam Library.  And if you look at my rarest achievements, you’ll probably notice that I have a lot of idle/incremental game achievements.

I hate incremental games.  Hate. Them.

If you’re unfamiliar, think Cookie Clicker.  That’s a pretty well known veteran incremental game.  If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, good.  Keep it that way. Save yourself.

Incremental games are just math simulators disguised with pretty graphics to make you think you’re playing a game so you’ll spend money on it to progress when it ultimately becomes impossible.  These games are designed to take 50 years or more to complete without the help of microtransactions.  And even with them, it takes an unhealthy amount of time.  Luckily, most of them are pretty easy to edit the save files of to give you unlimited amounts of premium currency.  Is it immoral?  Yes.  But you know what else is immoral?  Taking the same fucking reskin of the same math simulator that’s been used 69 million times and passing it off as a fucking game.  I’m talking to you, CLICKER HEROES. 

 

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The bane of my existence.

This terrible game has so many achievements, and despite extremely easy file manipulation, it still takes weeks to get all the achievements because some of them are entirely luck based.  I have been murdering and rebuying mercenaries for the past 3 weeks trying to get one named “Leeroy Jenkins” to spawn so I can kill him for some shitty achievement.

Why? Because I made the mistake of getting excited when I saw this game on Steam (I’d played its early beta when it was on Kongregate) and downloaded it, and now it’s making a shitstain on my game completion percentage.

Why do I care?? Why does it bother me so much? And yet, I keep doing this shit.  This isn’t the first incremental game I’ve downloaded and played solely for the achievements.  Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I waste my time on these free glorified math simulators when I have plenty of real games I actually paid for? Why do I have so many questions?

 

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Fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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