Halo Top, Strawberry — Diet Food Review

Let me just start this off by saying I desperately wanted to try Halo Top.  Not because I need a replacement for ice cream.  Honestly, I don’t eat enough ice cream to say so (it makes me feel like I might absolutely be shitting my pants within the next hour), and for that, I am thankful.  Because if I did make ice cream a regularity, I would be one – or both – of two things:

  1. Even fatter than I already am
  2. Really fucking broke (Halo Top is EXPENSIVE.  I had to give three strangers head to pay for it – simultaneously.)

The main reason I wanted to try Halo Top is actually the reason I started writing these food reviews in the first place.  I’m banking on it being absolutely terrible.  When I think “diet” or “healthy” – particularly when pertaining to waist-friendly versions of unhealthy foods –  I think of running out into my front yard after a drought and stuffing my mouth full of dirt.  Dry.  Tasteless.  Depressing.  When I started blogging, I wanted to both challenge myself to try new things, as well as educate others on what diet foods are absolute garbage, and which ones are surprisingly good.  Diet foods, in general, tend to be pretty disappointing, but desserts are the worst offenders of the bunch.  That’s why I was so skeptical when I saw review after positive review of Halo Top claiming how good it was.  You cannot tell me that ice cream that is actually good for you tastes good.  Something has to be wrong with it.  I took it upon myself to find out the truth.

 

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It’s called Halo Top because the top looks like a HALO. Incredible, you witty bastards.

Halo Top comes in an impressive variety of flavors, which you can look at here .  I chose strawberry because strawberry is the only flavor my family won’t eat.  I had to make sure the pint was still there long enough for me to write this review.

 

Visuals

The packaging is really nice.  I’m more than slightly pleased that they used gold for the rim rather than using yellow and passing it off as gold like traitorous, lying, cultists.

One of the first things I noticed about the ice cream itself is that it isn’t the bright pink that I’m used to my strawberry desserts being.  It’s more of a peachy-tan with red specks.  I guess that’s how you know it’s the real shit.  No synthetic test-tube-baby strawberries in my house, no sir.

Taste

The flavor was honestly pleasantly surprising.  It’s extremely sweet, but not in an overpowering way.  I didn’t feel like my teeth were rotting out of my skull while eating this.  The strawberry flavor was pretty mild, and I don’t know if I would have known it was supposed to be strawberry had I not bought it myself.  It was still really good, though.

Texture

Feels almost identical to ice cream in your mouth.  No complaints.

Portions

Only available in a single size, so stock up.

Calories

A single serving (1/2 cup) of Halo Top is 70 calories, which makes the entire pint 280 calories.  That is insane!  You can scarf down the entire fucking thing and not even feel bad about it.  You can eat the whole damn thing and still eat three whole meals.  On my current calorie plan, I could eat FIVE PINTS of Halo Top before reaching my limit.  Eat that shit.  Feel good about it.  Eat as much ice cream as you want, baby girl.  You earned this; treat yourself.

TL;DR Section for you nerds who want to read a blog without actually reading a blog:

PROS

  • Tastes like an ice cream
  • Feels like an ice cream
  • Roughly the same amount of calories per serving as there are in a single potato chip

CONS

  • Only comes in one size
  • Expensive if sweets are a habit rather than an occasional treat

FINAL RATING…9/10

This was a great time.  Halo Top are in a casual relationship and will have several hookups with long periods of no contact in between because she is a gold digger.

Lean Cuisine, Deep Dish (Craveables) Spinach and Mushroom Pizza — Diet Food Review

Trying to preserve more of my calories for dinner today, as I feel like I’m going to have an almost ravenous hunger spike today.  For lunch, I chose one of the lower calorie items from my freezer: Deep Dish Spinach and Mushroom Pizza.

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Look, Mom. I did my own photography today. 

I thought today, instead of the messy rambling I did last time, that I would set this review up into categories.  Maybe that will help break up the terrifying wall of text and you’ll be less scared about reading about my mouth’s emotions.  We’ll see; let me know your thoughts.

Visuals

Once again, Lean Cuisine has done a pretty damn good job at making the food actually look like the picture on the box.  This looks like real food and I don’t worry too much about how many machine bowels it’s passed through before ending up in my mouth.  It doesn’t look like it was squeezed out of a test tube — that’s a success!

Taste

I feel like this really needed some love in the spices department.  The flavor was extremely mild.  Sure, it’s a vegetarian dish, and spinach and mushrooms have very mild flavors to begin with, but even the sauce lacked a punch.  It wasn’t bad, but if the sauce had instead been mixed with a fuckload of garlic and cayenne (I like foods that make my breath so stinky that no one will ever consider kissing me for the rest of my life).  If you like foods that are easy on the stomach and don’t taste like much more than a mild cheese, you’ll probably like this.  Me, though?  I like to eat things that don’t taste like nothing.

Texture

This pizza did a lot better in the crust department than the flatbread from last night did.  While the crust on the bottom was a bit squishier (likely due to having moisture cooked in from being covered in a heavy amount of sauce), the edge crust surprisingly had a little bit of a crispness to it.  The edges are pretty similar in texture to a pizza dough you might make at home.

Portions

The pizza took up the majority of my dinner plate, so it’s pretty large. It’s not all that thick despite being deep dish, but it was pretty filling anyway.  I had it on it’s own for lunch around noon and didn’t feel hungry again until 6:30 or so.

Calories

This weighs in at 350 calories, which isn’t bad. You could have some veggies on the side to round it off closer to 400, which is apparently the recommended meal size.  By recommended, I mean dogshit.  Do you know how many times I’ve eaten a 400 calorie meal?  Like twice.  I think one of those times when I was still breastfeeding.

TL;DR Section for you nerds who want to read a blog without actually reading a blog:

PROS

  • Cooks surprisingly well for bread in a microwave
  • Low calorie
  • Pretty filling

CONS

  • Tastes like virtually nothing

FINAL RATING… 5/10

I didn’t have a thrilling experience, but it wasn’t painful.  It was just meh.  I would probably eat this again because I’m a fat fuck.

Lean Cuisine, Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt — Diet Food Review

Looking at the freezer that I’ve stocked to the brim with various boxes of “health” branded mystery meals, I happened upon the idea to start writing reviews of the ones that I try in an attempt to add a little more interest to the process of trying to fool my previously food-addicted palate into submitting (quietly) to the low-calorie lifestyle I’ve adopted.  For those who are unfamiliar with my approach to shedding pounds, I haven’t really changed much. I eat what I want, but I keep a scale and a calorie count at hand at all times.  I do my best to cook myself great meals, but the biggest thing that has yet to change about me is this:

I’m really fucking lazy.

Okay, not lazy in general, but when it comes to food? You mean to tell me I have to take the time to make food every day? Cue the diet ready-meals.

In my experience, anything that says “healthy” or “diet” on it that isn’t a fresh piece of produce sucks.  A diet piece of cake cannot exist in a way that’s going to satisfy my confectionary lust in the way I so desperately need.  What’s worse is health nuts trying to pass off bird food as an appropriate replacement for other, more delicious foods.  If you try and tell your brain that a squash tastes exactly like spaghetti, you’re setting yourself up for failure.  Learn to appreciate healthier options for what they are, and you’ll have a great time.

Chicken Ranch Club Flatbread Melt

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This idea didn’t occur to me until the thing was half eaten, so I borrowed a picture from Lean Cuisine’s website.  I’m sure they won’t mind, seeing as I don’t get paid for this shit.  

The first thing worth mentioning about this is that I surprisingly didn’t fall victim to the classic marketing technique where the picture on the box is 8 quintillion times more attractive than the real thing.  That picture up there is actually exactly what it looks like, in other words; pretty fucking nice.  It looks more like it came off a panini press or my oven than my microwave.

The bread is a little thicker than the flatbread I’ve had in the past, and it’s got some kind of garlic/herb crusting on the outside which I thought added a much-needed touch of flavor and color.  Unfortunately, as expected, the bread did end up kind of spongey from being in the microwave.  Have you ever made eggs and toast and had the toast be done way before your eggs, so you pop them in the microwave for a few seconds just before eating them so the butter melts? No? Well, it’s like that. Kind of soggy and soft.  It wasn’t terrible, but if you have the time to pop this in the oven for a few minutes instead, I think it would turn out way better.

The description says the filling is a mixture of “white meat chicken, tomato, bacon, and a ranch sauce”. There’s also some kind of cheese in there, but I guess Lean Cuisine decided it got to be the third wheel in this sandwich relationship and wasn’t worth introducing up front.  There’s not much to be said about the chicken.  It’s seemingly grilled and lightly seasoned — a little too lightly for my tastes, but there’s enough else in the sandwich to make up for the lack of spices.  I only encountered a single tiny piece of bacon in the entire sandwich. Luckily, it was on my last bite, so I got to remember it fondly in aftertaste. The sauce didn’t taste very much like ranch dressing to me, but it wasn’t bad.  Very creamy. The flatbread melt didn’t really taste like something I’d consider “diet”. It tasted pretty close to actual food that I’d make at home. Even better, it was actually filling and took up half my plate! It was big for a frozen meal.

Overall, this was one of the better frozen ready meals I’ve had. My only real complaint, again, is with the bread texture, which can probably be fixed by baking it instead.  I still have to dock points for it though, because if you’re marketing a food as microwavable, the result should be just as good microwaved as it would be baked in an oven.

TL;DR Section for you nerds who want to read a blog without actually reading a blog:

PROS

  • Surprisingly large in size + filling; acceptable as a meal
  • Cheese!
  • Tastes like actual food and not food for birds
  • Low in calories (370)

CONS

  • Bread gets spongey in the microwave
  • Singular lonely bacon seeks attractive, tan, greased up, bacon lover
  • High in carbs, if that’s something you care about — I don’t (52g)

FINAL RATING… 8/10