“You’re Lucky You’ve Lost Weight”

“You’re lucky you’ve lost weight.”

“You have it easy because you’re young.”

“Bet it feels nice to be able to put on smaller jeans. I wouldn’t know.”

These are among the many snide comments I receive almost daily from one of my obese relatives.

She hates when I weigh in lighter. She hates when I wear old pairs of jeans that previously didn’t fit over my thighs.  She hates my small meal portions.  And honestly, it feels like she hates me.

Almost every day she throws a fit about how “fortunate” and “blessed” I am to be losing weight.  As if some magical otherworldly force is responsible for the 25 pounds I’ve dropped thus far, and not my own diligence.

I’ve lost weight because I try.  I try so hard.  Every. Single. Day.

I’ve given up foods I love.  I’ve given up soda, juice, and iced lattes.  I’ve given up sweets.  I’ve given up alcohol.  I’ve given up on the sensation of being full.  I’ve given up on the idea of “comfort food”.  I go to bed hungry most nights and combat cravings.  I drink enough water to leave me pissing like a racehorse and get a workout running to the bathroom 15 times a day.

It is not luck.

You sit on your ass 24/7 munching on pretzels, chips, and candy.  I watched you eat an entire Halloween-sized bag of chocolate in a week.  I’ve never seen a drop of liquid pass your lips that wasn’t booze or soda.

You are many things, but you are not too old.  You’re not unlucky.

You are lazy.  You are entitled.

You are weak.

 

I am not.

 

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You are not Body Positive.

You are not body positive.

You are an asshole.

Things “Body Positivity” isn’t:

  • Pro Athletic
  • Pro Anorexia
  • Pro Obesity
  • Pro Gigantic Titties
  • Pro Booty
  • Pro Any Eating Disorder Ever
  • Pro x-Body Type Preference

Things “Body Positivity” IS:

  • Pro Happiness

 

Everyone has the right to their own bodies.  We already know it is unhealthy to be too heavy or too skinny.  We know that, scientifically, there is a balance.  We also know that despite those facts, many people still don’t give a fuck and choose to look the way they want and live the lives they choose to live.

LET THEM.

Don’t call yourself body positive if you think everyone should be a size 0.

Don’t call yourself body positive if you think everyone should be a size 22.

Don’t call yourself body positive if you think everyone should fit your ideals of however your bullshit insecurity makes you feel about yourself.

If a fat girl decides she wants to lose weight and work out — be happy for her. Don’t call her fake.

If a skinny girl decides she wants to revise her eating and try to bulk up — be happy for her.

She isn’t fake. She isn’t you.  Stop reflecting and forcing your shitty self-esteem on the rest of the world because no one has to be like you.

 

Bitch.

I’m a (Game) Completionist and it’s Ruining My Life

Not really. 

This isn’t a Dr.Phil-esque confession post about my struggles with a terrible game addiction that’s tearing my family and relationship apart, leaving my children starving in a run down trailer with roaches eating all the stale Cheez-it crumbs that compose the entirety of our month’s rations.

It’s more-so me bitching about something that’s totally within my control of changing but I’m not going to because I’m extremely stubborn and I hate myself.

I like to collect achievements.

Unfortunately, I’m a PC gamer and primarily use Steam as my host platform for all my games.  Steam games have an absolute fuckload of achievements you can get.  Which is great!  But what’s not great is that the achievements are literally fucking meaningless.

 

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My Steam Profile

On Steam, your account has a level.  That’s a feature that is dangerously enticing to someone like me.  I have my profile set up to prioritize displaying my achievements over everything else, mostly for my own reference.  It helps me know what games I need to work on and reminds me what an absolute degenerate I am.  But here’s the problem. Those achievements aren’t what makes my level.

 

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What ACTUALLY determines your account level…

Your account level is determined based off the EXP rewards from any badges you might have.  And how do you get badges?  Collecting trading cards from games and combining them.  You can only get about half a set of cards for any given game you own for free.  The rest of them you have to buy or trade for.  Sure, they’re only a few cents, but still.  It’s the idea of it all that pisses me off.  The nerve.

Yet, I collect achievements anyway.  I have this obsession with 100% completing every game that I own or free-add to my Steam Library.  And if you look at my rarest achievements, you’ll probably notice that I have a lot of idle/incremental game achievements.

I hate incremental games.  Hate. Them.

If you’re unfamiliar, think Cookie Clicker.  That’s a pretty well known veteran incremental game.  If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, good.  Keep it that way. Save yourself.

Incremental games are just math simulators disguised with pretty graphics to make you think you’re playing a game so you’ll spend money on it to progress when it ultimately becomes impossible.  These games are designed to take 50 years or more to complete without the help of microtransactions.  And even with them, it takes an unhealthy amount of time.  Luckily, most of them are pretty easy to edit the save files of to give you unlimited amounts of premium currency.  Is it immoral?  Yes.  But you know what else is immoral?  Taking the same fucking reskin of the same math simulator that’s been used 69 million times and passing it off as a fucking game.  I’m talking to you, CLICKER HEROES. 

 

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The bane of my existence.

This terrible game has so many achievements, and despite extremely easy file manipulation, it still takes weeks to get all the achievements because some of them are entirely luck based.  I have been murdering and rebuying mercenaries for the past 3 weeks trying to get one named “Leeroy Jenkins” to spawn so I can kill him for some shitty achievement.

Why? Because I made the mistake of getting excited when I saw this game on Steam (I’d played its early beta when it was on Kongregate) and downloaded it, and now it’s making a shitstain on my game completion percentage.

Why do I care?? Why does it bother me so much? And yet, I keep doing this shit.  This isn’t the first incremental game I’ve downloaded and played solely for the achievements.  Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I waste my time on these free glorified math simulators when I have plenty of real games I actually paid for? Why do I have so many questions?

 

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Fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plateaus are Dog Shit

Long time, no see.

Tis the season of excessive business and plans with people I otherwise never see or hear from the other 10 months of the year, and I’ve been a bit too swept up with life to think of and/or write content for you guys.  You’ll have to forgive me for that since I do this blog for my own enjoyment anyway.  A day-belated Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it, and happy whatever to anyone who doesn’t.  

What I’ve Been Up To

I’ve still been diligently pursuing my skinny body.  I found my collarbones a few weeks ago.  Before now, I’d never seen nor felt them before; even when I was thinner in high school my body composition never allowed me to see them.  I’ve always been very busty, so a lot of my body fat accumulated in my chest area.  Needless to say, finding them was super cool and I took a bunch of pictures.  Maybe I’ll upload some once they stick out more.

This whole losing weight thing, now that I’ve lost a pretty substantial amount (26 pounds!) feels like a treasure hunt – unbury and identify the body parts!  It’s a lot of fun, and that keeps me going just as much (if not more) than the number on the scale.  Speaking of…

I’ve Plateaued.

It finally happened.  I knew it would eventually.  I was doing so well.  With the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas, I have not gone over calorie a single time.  Mind you, holidays were a conscious decision.  As many of you know, I opted out of cheat days because I don’t believe you can cheat your diet.  You can only cheat yourself.  As a trade-off, I decided to allow myself whatever I desired on holidays and birthdays so long as I behaved every day for the entire month previously.  Extreme? Maybe.  But it works for me and I have iron discipline.  I don’t really recommend this to anyone since over-restriction can cause you to feel deprived and lead to binges.  Not the case for me, since I generally don’t enjoy eating much anyway, so it works.  But you do you, boo boo.

But yes.

Despite my dedication and constant use of the food scale, I’m still human and not exempt from the dreaded plateau.  My plateau began on December 7th, and since then, I’ve been stuck bouncing between the same 1.5 pounds.  It’ll pass eventually, and I’m doing all I can to facilitate weight loss.  I just have to wait for my body to stop throwing a tantrum and get its shit together.  That’s what I keep telling myself.

To combat the stress of the plateau, I’ve stopped weighing daily.  I only weigh in once (sometimes twice) a week now.  I’m hoping after Christmas my body will have the sudden realization that food is plentiful and we don’t need to shut down on losing weight, but we’ll see.  I’m patient.  I can wait.  Do your thing, man.  We’re gonna be putting on my tiny pants sooner or later whether you like it or not; you may as well make it more comfortable for the both of us.

Unrelated End Note:  I’m planning on posting some non-weight related content soon, so I’m sorry if that’s the only thing you’re here for.  Except I’m not.  I’m not sorry at all.  This is my brain dump.  Get out of my swamp.

Weigh-Ins: How Often is Too Often?

I see a lot of debate about how often you should be stepping on the scale.  Of course, I want to get in on that debate because, damn it, I want to be relevant.  The general consensus is that if you weigh yourself more than once a week, you’re going to be pushing yourself over the brink of insanity very quickly.

I recommend that people weigh themselves once a week, at the same time every week. Weighing yourself every day can have a negative impact on you. – Jillian Michaels


Every day is too much.  Even every few days is too much. – Ryan Walters, InBody


The argument is that “over-weighing” can lead to delusions in how successful you really are in your weight loss endeavors.  But here’s the thing:  we’re all dedicated to this.  If you’re weighing yourself, I’d like to make the assumption that you’ve at least done a tiny bit of research on basic biology or you wouldn’t be losing any weight at all.  Don’t we all know that our bodyweight fluctuates?  Aren’t we all familiar with water weight and retention and how we weigh the least in the morning?  Don’t we know that hormonal changes can cause our weight to bounce back and forth from day to day?  And muscle mass — what about that?  Haven’t we seen this all before?  This applies to new losers as well.  If you know enough to start losing weight, odds are you’ve seen all this information once or twice.  Why?  Because no one in the weight loss community  wants to see anyone else fail at their goals, so we mercilessly jam the unpleasant news down their throat in preparation.

You know your weight is going to change, so why let yourself get down from one day of fluctuation?

I am a firm believer of daily weigh-ins.  So sue me.  It works for me, and I think, done properly, it could work for at least 90% of people.  Weighing in daily allows you to be in control and keep track of the trend of your weight loss – which is what you should be paying attention to in the first place, far more than the numbers themselves.  Step back and look at your graph.  Ignoring the zig-zags, is it going down? Yes? Good. You’re losing weight.  Congratulations! Only if it is not going down should you maybe start thinking about revisiting your weight loss plan to assess what might not be working.

Why Weighing Daily is Great:

  • You get a better idea of the trend.
    • Sometimes I even weigh twice a day.  Once in the morning, and again at night.  This helps me see that even at my heaviest, I am so much lighter than I was when I began and allows me to become more comfortable with my weight not being a static number.
  • Weighing in once a week can give false information.
    • What if you’d really lost 3 pounds of fat, but the day you happened to weigh in was a day you were experiencing hormonal imbalances (ladies)?  What if the scale said that you had gained 5 pounds?  That sounds a hell of a lot more discouraging than being at a 3-pound loss one day and then going up 5 pounds.  You’d have to seriously be straining yourself to put on 5 pounds of fat that quickly.  Daily weigh-ins keep things in perspective.
  • It keeps you on track.
    • I don’t know about you, but I need constant reminders or I’m not going to get off my ass.  Seeing my weight every day tells me, “Hey go work out, jackass.  This isn’t amateur hour. Put that fucking donut down.”  Your internal voice is probably friendlier than mine.

Ultimately, do what works for you, but seriously…With the right mindset, daily weigh ins are the best.

 

TL;DR Section for You Nerds Who Want to Read a Blog Without Actually Reading a Blog:

  • Weighing yourself daily is the best option as long as you don’t approach it with the mindset that you’re going to lose every single day.  Anyone who says otherwise is wrong and is also a degenerate.
  • Seriously, just do it.  If you really need reasoning, just scroll up literally 2 inches.  I already put it in bullets for you.

Happy 10 lbs to Me! & Project Update

Last night I finally hit my first mini goal of ten pounds — I am absolutely ecstatic since I plateaued on the same pound for an entire fucking week.  I know, I know, in terms of plateaus that isn’t that long, but it felt like forever! Do you know how taunting it was to be stuck on 9 pounds for an entire week with one of my bucket list cross-offs just dangling in front of my nose?

VERY.

Today was also weigh-in day for my weight loss challenges, and I am happy to announce that I am now half way to my goal for the October-December 20 Pound Challenge.  We’re going to fucking slay this.

I’ve been working on a bit of a personal project that also ties in with my life goals bucket list (which I will be making a checklist post about shortly) — I am writing a book.  Now, I’ve got a few short fictional pieces sitting on the backburner half-written as I wait for the inspiration to proofread them.  But this book is actually applicable to most of you who follow my blog.  It’s a weight loss book.

witampfa-cover

What is This…A Meal Plan For Ants? will be my first real book.  I’ve been busting my ass writing segments and formatting for the past two weeks.  While there is no estimated publish date as of yet, I am very excited.  I will be self-publishing for Kindle through Amazon.  If things go well, I may take a stab at publishing in print in the future.

I am aware that I am by no means a dietary expert – but I am extremely passionate.  My book will tackle all the subjects I feel most strongly about and offer my own personal solutions to overcoming them.  Of course, as it’s written by me, you can expect there to be a good deal of sassy language in it.  Probably not as thick as my blog is with it, but it will definitely be there.  No sensitivity allowed.

I’ll keep you all updated as it progresses!

Halo Top, Strawberry — Diet Food Review

Let me just start this off by saying I desperately wanted to try Halo Top.  Not because I need a replacement for ice cream.  Honestly, I don’t eat enough ice cream to say so (it makes me feel like I might absolutely be shitting my pants within the next hour), and for that, I am thankful.  Because if I did make ice cream a regularity, I would be one – or both – of two things:

  1. Even fatter than I already am
  2. Really fucking broke (Halo Top is EXPENSIVE.  I had to give three strangers head to pay for it – simultaneously.)

The main reason I wanted to try Halo Top is actually the reason I started writing these food reviews in the first place.  I’m banking on it being absolutely terrible.  When I think “diet” or “healthy” – particularly when pertaining to waist-friendly versions of unhealthy foods –  I think of running out into my front yard after a drought and stuffing my mouth full of dirt.  Dry.  Tasteless.  Depressing.  When I started blogging, I wanted to both challenge myself to try new things, as well as educate others on what diet foods are absolute garbage, and which ones are surprisingly good.  Diet foods, in general, tend to be pretty disappointing, but desserts are the worst offenders of the bunch.  That’s why I was so skeptical when I saw review after positive review of Halo Top claiming how good it was.  You cannot tell me that ice cream that is actually good for you tastes good.  Something has to be wrong with it.  I took it upon myself to find out the truth.

 

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It’s called Halo Top because the top looks like a HALO. Incredible, you witty bastards.

Halo Top comes in an impressive variety of flavors, which you can look at here .  I chose strawberry because strawberry is the only flavor my family won’t eat.  I had to make sure the pint was still there long enough for me to write this review.

 

Visuals

The packaging is really nice.  I’m more than slightly pleased that they used gold for the rim rather than using yellow and passing it off as gold like traitorous, lying, cultists.

One of the first things I noticed about the ice cream itself is that it isn’t the bright pink that I’m used to my strawberry desserts being.  It’s more of a peachy-tan with red specks.  I guess that’s how you know it’s the real shit.  No synthetic test-tube-baby strawberries in my house, no sir.

Taste

The flavor was honestly pleasantly surprising.  It’s extremely sweet, but not in an overpowering way.  I didn’t feel like my teeth were rotting out of my skull while eating this.  The strawberry flavor was pretty mild, and I don’t know if I would have known it was supposed to be strawberry had I not bought it myself.  It was still really good, though.

Texture

Feels almost identical to ice cream in your mouth.  No complaints.

Portions

Only available in a single size, so stock up.

Calories

A single serving (1/2 cup) of Halo Top is 70 calories, which makes the entire pint 280 calories.  That is insane!  You can scarf down the entire fucking thing and not even feel bad about it.  You can eat the whole damn thing and still eat three whole meals.  On my current calorie plan, I could eat FIVE PINTS of Halo Top before reaching my limit.  Eat that shit.  Feel good about it.  Eat as much ice cream as you want, baby girl.  You earned this; treat yourself.

TL;DR Section for you nerds who want to read a blog without actually reading a blog:

PROS

  • Tastes like an ice cream
  • Feels like an ice cream
  • Roughly the same amount of calories per serving as there are in a single potato chip

CONS

  • Only comes in one size
  • Expensive if sweets are a habit rather than an occasional treat

FINAL RATING…9/10

This was a great time.  Halo Top are in a casual relationship and will have several hookups with long periods of no contact in between because she is a gold digger.

What They Don’t Tell You About Weight Loss, #2 – You Smell Weird

Seriously, what even is that fucking smell?

About three weeks in, I started noticing my natural body odor had changed pretty drastically overnight.  I’m talking a complete 180°.  I’m talking one day I smelled like garlic, and now I smell like a homeless man dumped his life’s savings of 38 pennies into a puddle in the middle of a dead-of-summer rainstorm.

When I wasn’t trying to lose weight, I never really sweat that often.  I am fortunate enough to not be one of those overweight people who just constantly seem to be dumping salty buckets off their skin.  (My sincere condolences to those of you out there who do suffer from that issue.  I truly sympathize. )  On the rare occasion that I did get sweaty, it usually smelled kind of like garlic, onions, and maybe a mild swiss?  I think a lot of people describe their sweat as cheesy….

But, now?  I have a slight odor all the time.

All. The. Time.

I constantly smell like metal mixed with some almost-familiar-smelling mystery substance that I can’t put my finger on and I have no clue why.  It makes sense that my body would smell different; after all, my body’s composition is changing.  This was just never a side effect of the lifestyle change that anyone talked about — this came completely unexpectedly.

Like the reasonable-minded woman I am, I consulted the greatest doctor I know to find out why I smelled like a banker’s fleshlight:  Doctor Google.  Apparently, a lot of people experience body odor changes when losing weight.  Unfortunately, all the answers I found didn’t pertain to me.  The only suggestion out there was to drink more water.  I’m drinking a gallon a day, what more do you even want?  If I put any more water into my system than I already do, I’m going to need to carry around a bucket.  Otherwise, it’s probably nothing to worry about and is just an interesting – albeit disgusting – part of watching your body transform.  May as well embrace it.

TL;DR Section for you nerds who want to read a blog without actually reading a blog:

  • I smell like I use a coin-roll as a makeshift dildo.
  • That’s normal, I guess?
  • Drink your water.

 

Cheat Days Will Fuck Up Your Shit

The end of this week marks the one month anniversary of my relationship with weight loss, and I’ve decided to celebrate it in true “I’m 13 and this is my first relationship ever and every hour is a milestone” fashion with an update on my journey as well as offer my opinion on a part of weight loss I hear so much about — cheat days.

How My Journey is Going:

In my one month of weight loss, I have lost a total of about 9 pounds.  That’s NINE pounds.  That’s an entire gallon of milk off of my body.  Do you know how crazy that is?  Look at this!

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MyFitnessPal is an amazing resource with an even more amazing community.

This line is me.  As you’ll see, it was not a consistently downward streak — if you are just getting started on weight loss or are feeling discouraged, take a close look at that line.  It doesn’t just go in one direction.  Sometimes it goes up, sometimes it doesn’t move at all, and on extra special days, it goes down.  That’s when we celebrate.  Hell, today my weight even went back up a little.  It happens!  It happens and it’s completely normal and okay.  Remember that if you lost every day, you’d disappear.  You’re too wonderful for that.

My measurements have gone down, too!  That’s probably an even more amazing feeling than the number on the scale decreasing is.  If you aren’t already — start taking your fucking measurements!  They have saved my sanity on more days than one.

I have dropped one pant size.  I can now fit comfortably into a 22, and squeeze into a 20.  My 24s fall down every 30 seconds.  I will soon have to go on a thrift store adventure to cover my ass while the weight comes off.

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These are huge!

And now that I’ve shared my joy, onto what you really came here for…

Why Cheat Days Will NOT Be Fucking You Gently

When I was growing up, I always wanted to lose weight.  I wanted to be skinny and hot so shitty teenage boys whose pubes were still growing in would consider me an acceptable addition to their nightly-visited mental spank bank depository.  At my thinnest, I weighed 150 pounds, which is considered about 15-20 pounds overweight for someone my height; not quite obese, but a little out of shape.  Unfortunately, I am the spawn of a short woman who is the spawn of an even shorter woman.  We are very small people.  15 pounds is a lot on my 5’2″ frame.  15 pounds is the difference between me looking good naked and looking like a dilapidated and discarded Tupperware container of pink fleshy Jell-O, so I’m sure you can understand my 16-year-old self’s desperation to lose that 15 pounds as quickly as humanly possible.  I didn’t know a damn thing about nutrition, though.  I, like many others, assumed losing weight meant eating a steady diet of grilled chicken and steamed vegetables.  In other words, boring your taste buds into suicide.  So, how do you combat the perpetual agony of hating everything that goes into your mouth?  This question is what introduced me to the concept of a “cheat day”.

I discussed my plans for weight loss with a family friend — someone who had been dieting for as long as I could remember. (I wish I would have realized there was a reason they had never stopped dieting…)  She told me about the “cheat day” and how if you behaved yourself all week, you got to eat anything and everything you wanted on the last day because you fucking earned those three slices of cake.  Because you stayed under the rest of the week, apparently the Calorie Gods decided in your favor to ignore and void all cheat day calories.  That’s totally how it works!  Trust me.

And that’s what I did.

Fast forward a month, and despite paying my dues in the form of sacrificing my enjoyment of food (and life), I still ended up gaining weight.  Why?  Cheat days.

Why Are Cheat Days So Bad, Anyway?

  • All-or-nothing diets never work.
    • If you feel deprived, you’re going to be miserable.  If you’re miserable, you’re going to hate the process of losing weight.  If you hate the process, odds are, you’ll never make it to your destination.  You’re way more likely to give up on the way.
  • Deprivation leads to binging.
    • It’s a lot easier to stop after one cookie if you allow yourself to have them when you want them than it is to tell yourself no.  When you finally let yourself, your self-control is going to take a serious hit.  That “I’ll just have one” can easily turn into “I’ll just have the whole box”.
  • Weight loss should not be a punishment.
    • Losing weight should be fun and inspiring.  Don’t make yourself hate it by never letting yourself enjoy food.  Even if you do succeed in your weight loss, you probably won’t keep it off.  Do you really think you can continue hating your meals for the rest of your life?  Because I sure as hell couldn’t.
  • The forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest.
    • Knowing you’re not allowed to have something makes it all the more taboo, exciting, and desirable.
  • One day can negate a ton of progress.
    • You could have lost 1.5 pounds this week instead of the half pound you ended up losing  had you found ways to work in the junk food you want into your diet, rather than over-eating all of them on the final day of the week.

And most importantly…

Health is a lifestyle change.  Your goal weight is not the final destination.

This is a journey that never ends.  The happier you can become with your new choices, the more comfortable you will become with sticking to them.  Eventually, eating less will be easier.  The human body is absolutely incredible and can adapt to so much.  Give it time to grow and it will reward you.

Fall in love with the journey and not the destination.