Halo Top, Strawberry — Diet Food Review

Let me just start this off by saying I desperately wanted to try Halo Top.  Not because I need a replacement for ice cream.  Honestly, I don’t eat enough ice cream to say so (it makes me feel like I might absolutely be shitting my pants within the next hour), and for that, I am thankful.  Because if I did make ice cream a regularity, I would be one – or both – of two things:

  1. Even fatter than I already am
  2. Really fucking broke (Halo Top is EXPENSIVE.  I had to give three strangers head to pay for it – simultaneously.)

The main reason I wanted to try Halo Top is actually the reason I started writing these food reviews in the first place.  I’m banking on it being absolutely terrible.  When I think “diet” or “healthy” – particularly when pertaining to waist-friendly versions of unhealthy foods –  I think of running out into my front yard after a drought and stuffing my mouth full of dirt.  Dry.  Tasteless.  Depressing.  When I started blogging, I wanted to both challenge myself to try new things, as well as educate others on what diet foods are absolute garbage, and which ones are surprisingly good.  Diet foods, in general, tend to be pretty disappointing, but desserts are the worst offenders of the bunch.  That’s why I was so skeptical when I saw review after positive review of Halo Top claiming how good it was.  You cannot tell me that ice cream that is actually good for you tastes good.  Something has to be wrong with it.  I took it upon myself to find out the truth.

 

screenshot_1
It’s called Halo Top because the top looks like a HALO. Incredible, you witty bastards.

Halo Top comes in an impressive variety of flavors, which you can look at here .  I chose strawberry because strawberry is the only flavor my family won’t eat.  I had to make sure the pint was still there long enough for me to write this review.

 

Visuals

The packaging is really nice.  I’m more than slightly pleased that they used gold for the rim rather than using yellow and passing it off as gold like traitorous, lying, cultists.

One of the first things I noticed about the ice cream itself is that it isn’t the bright pink that I’m used to my strawberry desserts being.  It’s more of a peachy-tan with red specks.  I guess that’s how you know it’s the real shit.  No synthetic test-tube-baby strawberries in my house, no sir.

Taste

The flavor was honestly pleasantly surprising.  It’s extremely sweet, but not in an overpowering way.  I didn’t feel like my teeth were rotting out of my skull while eating this.  The strawberry flavor was pretty mild, and I don’t know if I would have known it was supposed to be strawberry had I not bought it myself.  It was still really good, though.

Texture

Feels almost identical to ice cream in your mouth.  No complaints.

Portions

Only available in a single size, so stock up.

Calories

A single serving (1/2 cup) of Halo Top is 70 calories, which makes the entire pint 280 calories.  That is insane!  You can scarf down the entire fucking thing and not even feel bad about it.  You can eat the whole damn thing and still eat three whole meals.  On my current calorie plan, I could eat FIVE PINTS of Halo Top before reaching my limit.  Eat that shit.  Feel good about it.  Eat as much ice cream as you want, baby girl.  You earned this; treat yourself.

TL;DR Section for you nerds who want to read a blog without actually reading a blog:

PROS

  • Tastes like an ice cream
  • Feels like an ice cream
  • Roughly the same amount of calories per serving as there are in a single potato chip

CONS

  • Only comes in one size
  • Expensive if sweets are a habit rather than an occasional treat

FINAL RATING…9/10

This was a great time.  Halo Top are in a casual relationship and will have several hookups with long periods of no contact in between because she is a gold digger.

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